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  • bmuntz 10:39 am on May 8, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , life, , , , , , , , , , , ,   

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  • dvandelmar 2:48 pm on September 11, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , life, , , , , sara palin, ,   

    Code Red 

    I stalked a gal for a few days until I saw her walk out of her house. It was dark. She wore a leather jacket down past her rear. I could see the outline. Not bad. Enough for fun. A friend had mentioned her as a possibility. I called her, and we met for lunch. I had a party to attend on Friday night. She came with me. A bunch of beers into the night. She grabbed my hand and asked me to leave. We drove to my house and poured one last cocktail and sat on the couch. Not sure if I even took a sip before I ripped her clothes off. No foreplay. She loves to talk in the middle. I love it. She wants it harder. It wasn’t working. I stalled for some time. Too drunk. Fell asleep. Out cold.

    At about 3am something is wrong. Code Red stands above me. She’s whimpering. Feels rejected. Fully dressed. Even wearing her overcoat. I had barely been with her. Only a couple dates. She expects what? So I’m drunk. I fall asleep. We’re far from married. Isn’t she supposed to be trying to land me? Best foot forward? The pressure. The best in bed are those who allow. They ask you to stop and try later. Code Red expects volumes. Immediately. Too much pressure.

    She says she’s going to walk home. Completely outrageous. At least four miles away, and it’s bitterly cold. I jump into a pair of jeans and fleece. I told her I’ll drive her. We get to my car, and she cries harder. She asks why I don’t care. This is our first date. Can you imagine being married to this. No wonder why she’s divorced. I said flatly that she gets to make a choice. Come back to bed, or go home. She comes back to bed. I deliver a courtesy. She cuddles next to me for the remainder of the darkness.

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  • dvandelmar 10:50 am on August 21, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , life, , obama. mccain, presidential race, , squirter   

    The Squirter 

    The Squirter

    Rest assured scotch is involved. But usually on my end. 2 am after the country club on a random Wednesday evening there may be a voice mail. I may turn the wheel. This gal drowns me. It’s more like having sex in a  swamp. Went to Evita in Boston, and she wanted to fuck prior to the show which meant I had to sleep in it. Sorry. The bed is so soaked I cannot sleep. Not in my house any longer. If you go down on her, a minimal requirement is a snorkel, dry suit and mask. My friend the sex Phd says I have a squirter. It’s at least 6 to 8 ounces of fluid. Makes me nauseous. The first time it happened I thought she pissed on me. She was on top and I had to close my eyes and not look at her any more. I was so disgusted I couldn’t finish. I was angry. The sex Phd made me sniff my mattress. He claims no smell of urine is indicator of squirtage. It didn’t last long.

    A male antelope with all four hooves firmly planted, legs cocked. The final hope is a thrusting hard right turn. All the foward momentum must change direction in one quick motion with no loss of speed. Behind, a hungry lioness with fully extended claws and one paw up ready to swat once again at an already bloodied hind quarter. Life as a single male: An antelope, running for his life.

    Damn did I take it on the chin tonight.

     
  • dvandelmar 12:19 pm on August 20, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , all fours, , , degradation play, depressed, desperation, desperation button, , hillary, life, , , my name is dean, , , presidential election   

    Degradation Zone: My Play 

    Scene 1:

    Got home at 4:15 am. Brutal. Went back to the well. Drove to her house with a  hardon and robe. Told her I’m not coming over unless she’s on all fours in the kitchen with a vibrator shoved up her pussy. It’s outrageous that it takes this kind of degradation to get me wound up. It’s wrong. And I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’m pissed I was with this gal again. It’s no good. But hit the desperation button.

    It’s amazing how many women hate me now. It’s a nightmare. And I don’t talk. I can’t figure out how they know.

     

    Scene 2:

    I think she’s a dental hygienist. The concern I have is that she has written about me walking past her while she’s naked. That rings of commitment. As though I should give her more. And more is not something of which I am capable. We did sleep together, so there is an implied contract. However, with her I can use the same line I use with the others. “You are too recently divorced to be allowed to date or even get serious. You must keep yourself safe and the smartest thing to do is just have fun and keep it light. It’s against the rules to fall in love until a minimum of a year post divorce.”  

    I figure with this criteria I have a year. Then it’s legal for them to fall in love. I’m going to fuck her once more then roll to the next. I need to fill the pipeline though. I’ve been with the same gals now for awhile and I’m utterly bored. It’s also getting dicey. Thank God I didn’t go to Charlie Brown’s on Saturday. I was told the squirter was there and haven’t taken one of her calls in months. I can only imagine a drunk squirter interrogating me about why I am such a fucking asshole male chauvinist …

     
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      Dean.

      Dear God man. When’s your next session? We need to talk.

      Seriously.

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  • bmuntz 7:59 am on August 5, 2008 Permalink | Reply
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    I HEARD THIS SONG 

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    WHO SINGS THIS SONG?  I DO NOT KNOW AND I THINK IT IS A BAND.

     
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  • bmuntz 12:53 pm on July 23, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , life, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    FUCKING PEOPLE WITH NO EYELIDS 

    FUCKING PEOPLE WITH NO EYELIDS

    COMMENT ON MY BLOG.

    THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. SOMETIMES I SEE THEM THROUGH MY VISUAL CORTEX’ES . CAN YOU SEE THEM? I HAVE THEM IN MY LINE OF SIGHT AND I AM PREPARED TO DEAL WITH THEM.

    I WAS NOT HOME WHEN YOU CALLED DOCTOR. I WAS AT THE ARCADE BEING FRIENDLY. THE MAN THERE TOLD ME I HAVE TO LEAVE WHEN I PLAYED WITH THE JOYSTICKS. I DON’T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE. I WILL SET HIS BUILDING ON FIRE. FIRST I WILL LOCK THE DOOR AND GET A 55 GALLON DRUM FULL OF GAS ON THE ROOF. THEN I WILL LEAK IT THROUGH THERE TO THE FLOOR. THEN I WILL SET HIS BUILDING ON FIRE.

    IF HE IS NOT THERE I WILL FIND HIM AND I WILL GIVE HIM A COLOMBIAN NECKTIE. THOSE ARE CLASSY.

     
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  • dvandelmar 10:47 am on July 23, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , blowjob, condoms, cum, cumming, cumshot, , dick lover, dog sex, fuck, fucking, hard on, , life, , love line, , , , , , , , sexuality   

    Bridget and the Condom 

    I have a small dog. Half Fiest and half Toy Poodle. Thin wiry hair. You can just about see her skin under her coat. A fag would adore her especially in her bright red collar and leash. She’s a little neurotic. Always in your face and barks non stop. If my kids didn’t love her, I’d kill her. Not one doubt. Her name is Bridget.

    I received an email from a gal with whom I had not spoken in months. She was lonely. Wanted to know if I were hard. Nothing about my children, sports, or current events. Just am I hard. That’s always causes arousal. It’s a matter of what time. I wrote her back that anytime is good. I had no meetings. But didn’t want to take her out for dinner or lunch. We like secrecy. There are simply too many, and running into another could be disastrous. Plus, all my options remain open.

    Lying on my couch, watching the Wolf Blitzer obsess over Dick Cheney, blasting the old man, I hear a car door slam. She jogs up to the front door. In the tail end of a disaster and would prefer to have no one know. She says it must be fast, as her kids think she’s making a quick trip to the store. No talk. Directly to my room. I rip her clothes off her. Her fake tits pop out one at a time. They feel strange. Maybe she had a “buy one get one free” deal. Unveils a landing strip. I have asked her to shave it clean. Bugs me.

    I always struggle with kissing in these situations. That’s why hookers are better. They don’t want to kiss either. Just get paid and get out. She gives the worst blowjob I’ve ever had. Won’t let her do it. She gave me the fang last time. Better stick to the hole.

    I get out of bed. Throw the used rubber into the corner of my room on the floor. Start to get dressed in a hurry. We don’t talk. She gets dressed. Runs to her car and drives off. No talk. Nothing to say. The emptiness of neon. Perfection.

    I walk back to my room and hear a licking sound. Bridget has the condom.

    Off to a funeral. My friend would have liked it best this way.

     
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